Women, Men, Relationships, Breakups
*Subject’s name has been changed
*Marvin is a good brother. He’s a clone of the gentleman in the movies who doesn’t hesitate to ruin his trench coat by draping it over a puddle so that his lady love can cross the street without damping and muddying up her feet or more importantly, her stilettos.
Plain and simple, he exhibits chivalry—something that my girlfriends and I have sworn on our ancestor’s graves was dead. He opens the car door for me every time we go out on a date; in which, he’s always on time. He sends me flowers at work on my birthday and sometimes for no reason at all. He calls just to say he’s been thinking about me or simply to say goodnight. For that matter, he calls when he says he’s going to call. He’s kind, reliable and considerate. Yes! *Marvin’s all of that. Not to mention—he has a decent job, owns a home, is smart, funny, knows his way around Home Depot, looks good in a suit and tie and has his one-baby-momma in check. And while no one is perfect and everyone has their quirks, *Marvin is as close to perfection as any other brother I’ve dated.
Like I said, *Marvin’s a good brother. There’s just one problem; an enormous one. When we kiss and our tongues dance I wait for “it” to come. But sadly, “it” always fails to ignite. I’m referring to that spark of passion that sends shock waves up a woman’s body straight to her heart and has women like me who can’t boil water desperately trying to learn how to make biscuits from scratch—shifting flour while clad in a lace Victoria Secret assemble. I’m talking about the desire a woman has for a man that consumes her daydreams and has her ditching a long anticipated girl’s-night-out to spend time at home with her man. “It” is passion. “It” is desire.
So, although *Marvin is a good brother (damn near perfect), I am breaking up with him—unwilling to accept reliability and stability at the sacrifice of passion and desire or in my eyes…true love.
I will invite *Marvin over to my place. We won’t have dinner because—remember—I can’t boil water. We’ll settle on my plush pewter-colored couch and I’ll start the conversation by apologizing. I will tell him that I’m sorry while shrugging my shoulders and trying to explain to him that even though he treats me like a queen, he’s not my king. I will waltz around the hardcore truth—that when I kiss him, sparks don’t fly and when I see him, my heart doesn’t patter. I will feel terrible. No, horrible. *Marvin will tell me that he understands. He’ll stand up, straighten out his khakis and head for the door. On his way out he’ll turn around and say, “I’m so tired of Black women saying that they can’t find a good Black man.” And, I’ll just stand there with my hand on the doorknob with no rebuttal.
Closing the door behind him, I will hope and pray that he doesn’t end up hating me or refusing to date another Black woman because of me. And for the remainder of my life I will no longer be able to say that there aren’t any good brothers out there because I know of one and his name is *Marvin.
Ladies, what’s your choice…stability or true love?
Although stability would be nice, I would have to go for true love. I say true love because, I don’t want to be with somebody just because they can take care of me, I can take care of myself. I would want to reciprocate the same love and desire to be with them effortlessly, rather than making it a chore. The stability will fall into place if it is right.
I honestly will say stability because some women today are confused their true love to them may not even be a good man it could be someone not workin who has nothing who cheats who dont open doors or take you out….Just because sparks arent flyin at first dont mean they wont come later this woman is prolly use to the guy who totally opposite of marvin and she dont know how deal with someone who is good…sometimes when your use to the bad the good just dont seem good to you your still desiring the bad.
i love this topic soooo very much it makes my spine tickle thinking about how some people are never satisfied! wait thats everyone…everybody wants just a little more but most arent willing to sacrifice anything to get that little more! look at like this if you have a closet full of shoes and clothes but go and buy new stuff guess what? you have to get rid of the old! this lady simply doesnt understand why her man can create that spark she wants and desrves. its because he has over exerted himself doing all those other things and doesnt have the energy left to give it his all elsewhere or he simply just cant give her the spark she needs. the point here is that people say that their mate is soooo perfect they brag on all the little things that he or she does that makes him stand out and its always the one thing that is easy as 123 that they dont do…example hes so perfect yada yada ya but he plays videogames too much, or he drinks to much, or he doesnt kiss me enough, etc… this is what people do…they take a look at all the things the past mates have and have not done and they expect the next person to basically do the average of those things! and when this doesnt happen they start to pick at the little things until they cant get anymore! talking about the intamacy issue is the first step then of course its understanding that he has it in him or he doesnt and then going from there! but people think that love trumps all else and that is so far from the truth! love wont work without all of the other key elements such as communication understanding teamwork etc…shes not out of line for breaking up with him because he does all of the little things that make her HAPPY…the things he doesnt do is create that spark which makes her SPECIAL! she sould gladly open a few more doors, get her feet a little muddy, and throw away a few less dead flowers if this man could give her the spark shes needs…all im saying is that he has done all those little things for every girl hes been with but obviously theres only one woman he can create that spark for and its not her!!! how else can you show someone how much you truely care for them and love them? thats right boys and girls thru intamacy sex and romance! so if he doesnt give you that then guess what??? he simply likes you and thats it!!!
This is deep. Makes you really think about what that defining moment is when you have to ask yourself, Is this real love that I am feeling for this person?? or Am I in love with what he can provide or do for me….
Keep up the good work.. !! Waiting on the next one..
I will take stability over true love. Unfortunatley this young and I do stress young lady does not know the meaning of stability.. You can have true love but will this mate be willing to take care of you in the future or display chivlary like this gentlemen. You true love may be able to give you the sparks and the fire in your pants but does that pay the bills or keep a roof over your head. Evenutally you will miss the chivlary you had with Marvin and try to instill them in Marquise who doesnt know the mean of chivalry. Let alone pull out a chair for you cause he only thinking about how hungry he is and not your well being. As I stated earlier I would rather take stability over true love cause love cant pay the bills!!
As I read this, I really focused towards the end when the question is asked about stability and passion… We’ll first of all you should choose what the Lord decides to give to you… For lust is really what you are seeking, but instead the passage rephrases it by using the word “passion”… God gives you everything that he feels is suitable for you, but you have to be patient enough to recognize it… For instance:
Philippians 4:8 : Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
So, instead of being patient enough… one kiss of lust was able to determine how u felt, and there could have been other surprises that awaited, but the mind wasn’t used in this situation, only the touch of the lips and the absence of the tongue determined what was wanted or needed…
Romans 12:2 says, And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God…
Listen, we get so involved in what we want so bad that God may not want you to have what entices you because a different side of you may come out that he already knows isn’t good… And for those who speak on having stability over passion, how about love and stability together and lets get out of the thinking of trying to compare stability and passion… Honestly passion destroys stability in the long run… Passion is the lust over many lies and loving God first over all things holds many truths…
So, my answer is I choose neither Passion or Stability… I choose loving God first and knowing he will supply me of all my needs, just as long as I am patient and I discipline myself to His works… He will never fail me or any of us…Passion is trickery the devil uses on all of us…
Every person that has a rational thought pattern has multiple layers of wants. Some people want to be famous but they only want to be famous when they want it, and other times they just want to be regular or unnoticed. Some want to be sexual freaks at times and fill fantasies and then at other times they want to as immaculate as a virgin princess. Sometimes people want to be hard workers and other times they want to be very lazy and just relax or play. However, what most people don’t realize is how important balance is in life. You have to find the right threshold to live your life in to allow happiness. When choosing a mate, it’s the same. Part of u wants an intellectual, busy, chivalrous, caring, understanding, spiritual,…yada yada yada (as someone else used
) type person who u can count on in your life, but you also want someone that is daring, spontaneous/unpredictable, edgy, and yada yada yada on that end too. So sometimes… you are forced to choose one or the other just to get the closest thing that you can. And as an adult, most people like it right out of the box, with no assembly required (understandable). Unfortunately that out of the box MAN or WOMAN is very rare if they even exist at all. So maybe you can pull out whatever tools you have to poke around a little to see if you can balance out the things that you need (look for potential). If there is no potential.. then maybe the best thing to do is have that “plush pewter-colored couch” talk. But if there is potential… then maybe both of you can make a few small adjustments through open communication and willingness to complete the accessories that both of you need for a healthy relationship. If that can occur, then maybe the spark that you are looking for can be created and grow to be strong. Beware; the plush “pewter-colored couch” talk could very well create a monster. It could create a player, a suicide(extreme), a man who doesn’t date within his race, a homosexual (in some cases), and or have many other drastic changes in a man’s mental state pertaining to women. Many relationships have failed because someone chooses stability over love or vice versa. But most relationships with a crappy person that u love will drain you, and relationships with a responsible/stable person and no love/spark will end in a depression… both could potentially cause cheating or who knows what….btw…I would hate any woman who sat me on that couch for the rest of my life..no doubt about that. That creates a chain reaction… the next guy u meet or met before him may be the guy that was already done like that and that’s why u got treated bad or will be treated bad. It’s not exactly karma … but more like a mental disease, disguised as a person protecting themselves and because it’s a chain reaction everybody eventually gets affected/infected. Good luck though to everyone in the race.
for the ones who would take stability over true love does your mate know that this is the decision you are making and why? because if i was with a woman and she told me that she chose me because with me she feels comfortable but shes doesnt feel that unconditional love then i would leave her on the spot. because the way i translate that is im with you for the stability but when prince charming comes around im throwing you the deuces. you can get stability thru being single and just having an array of platonic friends. who wants to be with someone they dont truely love the rest of their life? when you watch chick flicks, go to weddings, soap operas, go to dinner etc and see these couples who look like soul mates together you are going to be crying on the inside. someone one day is going to hear that cry because hes got great ears and hes going to wipe those tears up and sweep you off your feet! why date someone you dont see as the last person you will ever be with? first off choosing stability over true love is selfish and cold hearted! because the other person has not a clue that you are not in love with him the way he or she is in love with you! love isnt everything but in a relationship its the majority vote! stability is just a piece of the pie and sometimes prople dont even eat that piece because the other pieces are more then satisfying…i guess my question to the stability people is why would you settle for the peron you are with just for stability? lazyiness? lack of self esteem? no motivation? or do you just like coming up short in everything you do? because i myself am going to ask for the impossible so that i can settle for exactly what i want when impossible isnt met…
Hey, Sistah-Gurl-Friends & Brutha-Men-Friends! First, I would like to thank each and every one of you for your comments. You all made my first blogging experience so much fun and very interesting. I am very much an opponent of the First Amendment which grants us all the freedom of speech, religion, the press, assembly and petition. Although…I may not agree with every opinion, I do respect every one’s right to have one. So…with that…a brief response to the comments…
Some of the things mentioned…never satisfied, intimacy issue, meaning of stability, young and I do stress young…lol, Marvin/Marquise, can’t pay the bills, passion vs. lust, loving God, settling for stability…
A majority of women choose stability for a number of reasons. One, put plain and simple, they’re getting older. And when you get older and you’re single fear sets in that there is a possibility that you’ll live the rest of your life alone. Two; many women are afraid to be vulnerable…afraid to give into love…afraid of heartache…afraid of pain. Thus, they choose stability (getting their bills paid, living in a two-story house with a mini-van parked in the driveway with a “My Son Plays the Flute” or “I’m A Soccer Mom” bumper sticker plastered on the bumper). Aren’t these women doing themselves a disservice not to mention taking advantage of a man (poor soul) because they want to live the American dream and scream to the world, “I’s married now!” Four; many women tend to settle for the first lad that comes around and treats them right. Three; some women just want a man around…any man…even if she doesn’t love him. Well, that’s not this sistah-gurl-friend
With all of that said…I’m 29 (I guess you could say that I was young…lol) and I’ve been paying my own bills for years. Thus, I don’t necessary need a man for that. I’ve also experienced my fair share of heartache and pain as well as extreme bliss and love. And out of each of those experiences, I’ve come out wiser, stronger, better and more steadfast in my refusal to wake up each morning and roll over to a man that doesn’t have my heart or one, in which, I don’t have his. So, it’s not about lust (although we eat with our eyes and physical attraction is very important)…it’s about mutual desire…a longing for one another that is reciprocated. And, yes, I’ve broken up with Mr. Goodbrother (Marvin) but that doesn’t necessary mean that I’m going to rush into the arms of Mr. Badbrother (Marquise…which is very stereotypical by the way…what if people didn’t vote for Barack Obama based upon his name…). I’ve actually been treated great by a number of guys, but “something” was lacking and this goes into the comment made about loving God and trusting in Him (which I do…very much). When the right one comes along, I’ll know and between us we’ll have true love and stability. So, I close with a portion of one of the comments made. “…most relationships with a crappy person that u love will drain you, and relationships with a responsible/stable person and no love/spark will end…” That pretty much sums it all up!
Until the next blog…peace and blessings everyone!