We got hood love/I be cussin’, I be screamin’ like it’s over/then I’m longin’, then I’m feinin’ just to hold you/’cause that’s how we do
As unbelievable as it is about to sound, a friend once told me that if drama didn’t exist between her and her man she didn’t feel as if they had “been through” anything…that their relationship hadn’t been tried and tested. “I need a man that’s going to hit me in the eye and throw me in a ditch,” she actually told me (I could never make up such shenanigans…no one with the stupidest of imaginations could). She laughed and, of course, was exaggerating. I gave her the stank eye and thought about all of the women in the world who had died at the hands of an abusive partner and those still suffering…trying to escape a domestic violence abuse situation. My friend and I eventually grew apart. She—continuing her search for drama. And me—trying to avoid it.
The lyrics of Mary J. and Trey’s latest hit, clearly, isn’t advocating that a sistah or a brutha for that matter stay in an abusive relationship; however, it is a song about two people choosing to stay in a tumultuous one because…well…they’ve “been through” too much to give up on what they have. But I ask, is what they have…hood love…real love?
And, what is hood love? How do you know if you’re in it? Are you in hood love if you and your significant other are on a first name basis with the police? Are you in hood love if the only way that you and your significant other can effectively communicate is via cussin’ and screamin’…if you can call that effective communication? Bruthas, are you in hood love if after an argument you find your entire wardrobe…Sean Jean, Roc-a-Wear, Enyce, Gucci, Prada, all of it…cut up and soaking in a tub full of bleach? Sistahs, are you in hood love if every other day you and your man are arguing over one of his baby-mommas giving you the stank eye? If she looks at me like that one more time…
Sadly, there are tons of women that share the mindset of my ex friend—that in order for their relationship to be “real”, it needs to be solidified by them overcoming being lied to, cheated on, verbally and for the obvious mentally ill (like my ex friend)…borderline physically abused. I wish…I wish…a brother (to “hood” that up…you know the word to substitute) would call me out of my name and/or raise his hand over me. Never being in a domestic violence situation, I can’t say with 100% certainty what I would or wouldn’t do. But, I’m 90% sure that if a hot pot of grits are anywhere around in any such occurrence…well, you know what’s going down.
I understand that no relationship is without its’ disagreements and occasional arguments. And, I also get that there are other factors—children mainly—that impact a person’s decision to go or stay in a rocky relationship. However, if cussin’ and screamin’ is normal for you and your significant other, what’s the time frame for enduring such behavior? Better yet, what needs to happen next in order for you to pack your bags and go? Or, set his/her sugar-honey-ice-tea on the front porch?
As I write, I am reminded of the first time I watched The Best Man. At the end, we (sistahs) clapped, cheered and ooooh’d and awwwh’d when Mia and Lance finally said I do. We quickly forgot the heartache and pain that Mia endured at the discovery of Lance’s philandering ways. But, it was her choice to stay and stay she did (that “fat contract” helped…lol). All jokes aside, the movie, in a way, sent a less than empowering message to all sistahs—stay, overlook the obvious and lose a little bit of your self respect…all in the name of love…all because two people have time invested in a relationship.
I still have a lot more maturing to do in life, but one thing I have figured out is that sometimes you have to let go of some things/some people in order for God to move in your life. Sistahs, your prince could be in your future while you’re trying to hold onto the jester from your past because…well…you two have “been through” too much to give up on what you have…you two are in hood love. But, is it real love? Because the love I know isn’t easily angered or rude. It’s patient…it’s kind and it always protects…not destroys.
Well Said!! Love the Sugar Honey Ice Tea>>>>>>
Thanks, Celeste!
Amen… I was a little surprised that Mary J did this song to be honest. Most of her music of recent has been empowering and positive. She has spoken about her past relationships and their abusive nature and this song seemed very out of character. To answer your questions in the title… no and no. You shouldn’t treat those you love as you would enemies. Arguments should be rational, even when people are passionate about the subject. When you curse the one you love, you are cursing yourself, because they are a part of you and their life experiences affect you directly. Cherish, encourage, and uplift each other, especially in difficult times. We as women must raise our standards!
Preach, Sistah!!! Very well said.
PREACH, Sistah!!! VERY well said!!
Thanks to everybody for commenting!